A little over 22 years ago, our three children and I survived the death of my wife, their Mom. During her final illness, we were immensely blessed and encouraged by the pastor and members of our local congregation. They, along with our friends, brought in food, called to check in on our daily status, and generally did all the right things.

Within a couple of weeks of her passing, just about all contact petered out. We were pretty much left to deal with grief by ourselves. I learned, over the next few months, that this was the normal experience among bereaved families, by and large. This didn’t happen because of any deliberate or planned neglect. Many of these friends and fellow church members hadn’t experienced grief on their own. Perhaps they didn’t have any teaching about how to follow up AFTER a death in the family.

I then thought back to my 15 or so years spent planting and pastoring three congregations. I’d behaved in a very similar manner after the death of members of my congregations.

After much thought and prayer, I believe the Lord led me to a profound change in my attitude and actions. It began when a dear man went home to be with Jesus. I began calling his widow every week. My commitment before the Lord was to call at least once a week and visit. I deeply prize the memory of those conversations. Sometimes, she seemed so happy, yes, even relieved, to be able to talk about her husband of more than 40 years. We talked about many, many different subjects. She thanked me often for my follow up.

I’ve since “adopted” several surviving spouses. Often, my year long commitment stretched far beyond my initial plan. One lady and I had a standing visit every Friday afternoon unless one of us was out of town or sick. Those enjoyable and edifying visits continued for several years until she moved out of state. We still visit on the phone fairly often.

Today, as I chatted with one of my dearest friends, it occurred to me that I should share a few of my experiences with my readers. The lady with whom I spoke today (and just about every day), is soon to celebrate her 91st birthday. (Sometimes we refer to our older friends as “so many years YOUNG”. This is not an empty cliché.) She thinks much younger than her years. Our conversations are never boring. I don’t call her out of any sense of duty. I am at least as blessed by our visits as she.

This lady is a strong Christian. She reared a fine family. She’s not a whiner or a cry baby even though I know she has some aches and pains. Her day is filled with helpful acts of love for others. How did this all start? Well, a few years ago, she had a painful case of shingles. I called her and said, “Shingles are supposed to be on a roof, not on a nice person like you.” We both laughed (she through some pain).

We share stories from our lives, jokes, news, observations on the weather, etc. The more I learn about her life growing up, the more I respect the wisdom and insight that older friends have to offer. On the rare occasion when I have to miss our daily visit, I feel like part of my life is missing.

Do we as individuals need to think on these things? Do we as members of local churches need to consider implementing some kind of follow up for those who need a friend beyond the immediate time of loss or illness? I’m guessing that you are equipped to figure out the answer and DO something about it. Start small, with one person. See where it goes! Let me know what you think.  Use the “Leave a Reply” box below!  I’ll share your best responses next week.

RESPONSES TO: “Too Much Wax, Not Enough Wick”

– I enjoyed your story about “wax and wicks”. I am a Sunday school teacher. Recently, God laid on my heart to talk about lighthouses. Odd thing was that I thought lighthouses were smelly, dirty and usually unkempt places. How awesome to discover that the “light” inside these dirty, smelly buildings is the true lifesaving device. Just like we, (the dirty, smelly objects) only through the “light” of the Holy Spirit of God can we be of any benefit to others. Your wick story made me smile as I understood that God truly is the only source of “light”. He is the Creator of our wicks and wax. Don’t you just love Him?

– What a great story. I love candles, too. It sounds like you have a great way to fix them. I need to learn to do that, too! I have many half burned candles that need a fix. I love the smell of candles burning in the house, especially because I have a dog and three cats!

    Love the way you applied the story. Also, please send directions for melting the candle wax. Thanks, and have a great rest of the week.

– Very good thought. Our pastor just asked the question last Sunday, “Are we doing all we can for the Lord?” We could get a lot done for Him if we tried as much as we tried doing things for ourselves.

– Happy New Year To You!!! You know, I just love that saying now. I’m going to remember this from now on, “We are the wax, God is the wick.” That is fantastic. I love it. What a perfect thought. I’m a candle nut myself and this is something I’m going to think about every time I light them from now on. Thanks Jerry!!!

– I, too, enjoy candles and lots of them, especially on a Friday or Saturday evening – very relaxing.

I think the wick is vital – no wick – no candle. In our own lives we need the Lord to light our wicks, to fan the flames of passion for Him. As we allow it to burn, we allow Him to melt our hearts. He’s very good at melting hearts. The wax is very hard when cool – so, too, with us. When we are cool to Him and haven’t allowed His fire to penetrate our hard hearts, they stay that way – hard. As He lights us up, we light up the area around us and that’s what we’re to be – lights in a dark world.

– My brother’s girlfriend was trying to light the candles on our table as we prepared for Christmas dinner. One candle gave her a lot of trouble. Finally, my brother asked her, “Did you sleep well last night?” She said, “Yes, I did.” He said, “There’s your problem – there’s no wick for the rested!”

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